Grief is a strange and powerful emotion.
I've experienced more grief in my life than should be allowed.
My father died when I was 3 years old. I remember the night it happened. I was eating peanuts in the kitchen with my mama. My sister was almost a year old, asleep in her crib. He was laying on the sofa, sleeping I guess, and started breathing funny. He was having a heart attack and despite my mama trying desperately to do CPR....he was gone. I remember calling 911 and telling them my address...
however, my mama says that didn't happen. And I wasn't tall enough to get the phone down. Maybe I just stood there holding the phone with 911 on the other line as she ran back and forth trying to do CPR. I
do know that she told me to sit in a chair and I sat there as EMS and neighbors came and she left in the back of the ambulance. Yeah, I was little, but I remember and it's made a lasting impression on my life.
After my father's death, my maternal grandfather naturally stepped up and into the picture. Not that he wasn't there before, but through my life, his presence was more than a "normal" grandparent. My mama called him "daddy" because he was her daddy and in turn, he was
my daddy. My childhood was spent with summers on the farm and holidays and special occasions spent with grandma and granddaddy.
When I was in middle school, my great uncle Ed passed away (my granddaddy's sister's husband). I remember leaving school to go to the funeral. It was the first time (that I can remember) since my father's death, that I had attended a funeral. And it was sad! Maybe I'm just a more soft-hearted person than others, but it really affected me. I don't remember much about the funeral, but I do remember that you were only supposed to leave school if an immediate family member died and to get us out my mama said my uncle had died. I remember saying that he wasn't my uncle, he was my great uncle and she said, that didn't matter, he was family and we were going! Because family is important!
 |
| (great) Uncle Ed |
Throughout middle school my grandma was battling Non-Hodgkin lymphoma (cancer of the lymph tissue). When Hurricane Fran hit NC, she was in the hospital in Goldsboro and we left home without power to go visit her, because the hospital had power...and A/C (it was HOT). The highlight of that trip was purchasing a bag of ice at a gas station on the way home for about $10 (prices were inflated because of the storm). She went home soon after that, but returned to the hospital sometime the following year. In the Spring of my freshman year in high school, she passed away- at the hospital in Goldsboro, where she was receiving treatment. Treatment for Hodgkin lymphoma, not Non-Hodgkin- they gave her the wrong treatment. It too was very sad, but again, the details I remember are very strange. Being able to stop for breakfast at Bojangles on the way to the hospital to see her for the last time (something that was VERY out of the norm for our family). The 53 roses my granddaddy placed in his living room for the 53 years they were married. She was cremated, so maybe that's why I can't remember the actual funeral.
 |
| Grandma |
So, then it really was just granddaddy!
9/11 happened and my paternal grandmother died. In Canada. We couldn't go to the funeral because none of us had passports and before you didn't need one to cross the boarder, but after 9/11, you did. It was sad, but I had only met her once or twice as a newborn and again in elementary school, so I didn't have that connection. Her husband, my father's father had passed away in his 40s, just like my dad, from a heart attack. Hereditary. I guess the saddest part was that on my dad's side of the family, only my Uncle Geoff was left.
In 2006, we lost my step-dad, Don's, mother. At 98 years old, she lived one long life!
In 2008, Don's sister Hazel (my step-aunt) passed away unexpectedly. Her husband Howard had died sometime before. I can't remember the year or circumstances, but it really affected our Christmas get-togethers. They weren't nearly as jolly!
On March 24, 2010 Kevin was over at my apartment. I had cooked dinner for us and after eating, Kevin was leaving. I just lost it. For no reason at all, I started crying uncontrollably and told him he couldn't go, he couldn't leave me. He just thought I was crazy. I
was crazy. There was no reason to be acting like that. It wasn't until he left that I saw I had a missed call from Don. I knew what it was immediately-just had the intuition. I called back and he put me on the phone with my mama who told me that neighbors/family/friends had found my grandfather in a creek near his house. He was dead. I didn't know what to do. I called Kevin to get him to come back over. He, at first, thought I was lying just to get him to come back. Before he finally got there, I paced, I collapsed to my knees wailing, I scrubbed the toaster oven. (Because that makes sense?!?!) I was a wreck. I do think my crazy behavior earlier in the night was the Holy Spirit! I had already been crying...I was prepared to come face to face with grief!
We still don't know what happened. Daddy's truck was parked on the side of the road right in front of the creek. There were some papers in the water and on the bank. We don't know if he stopped to pick up papers and fell in....he had a huge knot on his forehead where he hit it...maybe on a rock at the bottom of the creek. The autopsy was inconclusive. It said he drowned....(because if you're knocked out in the water, you probably do have water in your lungs). We don't know if there was foul play. The autopsy also showed he had heart stuff. But he had a massive heart attack when I was 1 or 2 years old and had a pacemaker put in...that had kept him alive the additional 27 or so years. So, yes he had heart stuff. There were no real answers there...inconclusive.
It's hard to lose someone you love, but in my opinion, the immediacy of someones death is the hardest part. If they're old and have lived a long life. Or if they've been sick for a really long time. It doesn't make it any less sad, but in my brain, it makes sense that they wouldn't last forever. I feel you have time to prepare and say goodbye. In the cases where death is unexpected, it just doesn't make much sense and it's a lot harder to understand and deal with. I sit up some nights sobbing, just hoping that daddy wasn't scared when he went. He was terrified of drowning and couldn't swim. I just hope that whatever he hit his head on knocked him silly and he died right then or without knowing and being afraid.
Pastor Gerhard spoke at daddy's funeral. He was the pastor that I grew up with. He buried my father. He gave me my first communion. He spent time with our family-hiking and coming down to see daddy and grandma on the farm. I wanted him to marry me! (Not get married to me, perform my wedding) And just a year and a few months after daddy's death, he too passed away after a long battle with cancer. I was a wreck! I told Kevin we couldn't get married (we weren't even engaged). And then when we were engaged...I still said we couldn't get married because Pastor Gerhard had to marry us! It was an emotional time for everyone.
 |
| Pastor Gerhard hanging with us on the farm! |
Some people say when someone close to them dies, that not a day goes by that they don't think about that person. I can't agree with that. There are weeks, sometimes months at a time, where daddy doesn't cross my mind. And he would call me 2 and 5 and 8 times a day. So, there's definitely a void! However, that's how grief is so tricky! It creeps in when you least expect it and it takes over your day or your week. You become weepy and extra thankful for the people you do have and you miss... You miss those that are gone so, so terribly. And you wouldn't miss if you didn't first love. So, I think grief is love magnified.
The 4th Anniversary of daddy's death just passed and it was a hard week at work! Made even harder because I got sick and was in bed most of the week. And just hard because it's been 4 years and that doesn't seem possible and I miss him so much!
Not even three weeks later, we experienced loss again.
Kevin ran the Raleigh Rock 'n' Roll half marathon Sunday, April 13. He ran with some of his co-workers, part of Team FARA that ran in Savannah last November. Although they attempted to meet up before the race, two of the 4 didn't meet up. Which was okay! I saw one as she walked to their corral before the race and the other, Derrick, had texted Kevin the night before saying he may be running late, but he'd see them after. Well, we (me and two of the runner's wives) followed our men along the course, seeing them at the Start in addition to 3 other areas. We had just walked up to our 4th "viewing area" 2 tenths of a mile from the Finish as the runners streamed by. I can't remember now the order that things happened, but I recognized 4 people I knew before one of our "men" came by. One of those 4 people was Derrick, an Etix employee, running for Team FARA. I couldn't remember his name, but I looked at one of the other wives that knew him and said, "hey, that was..." and she completed my sentence. I was thinking "hey, that was Crazy!" Because I referred to Derrick as "Crazy" and couldn't remember his name. (I had only met him twice. Once at our post-race dinner in Savannah when he sat beside me and once at Kevin's company Christmas party.)
Our guys started coming by and after the last one ran by, we all walked to the finish line to meet them. Kevin texted his co-worker who had finished before them and she was heading home. I got an alert on my phone from WRAL saying that two runners had died during the race. Sad! Still no one said anything about Derrick- I didn't even think about him. We were all tired from a busy weekend and an early morning wake-up, so we all parted ways and went home. Kevin and I went to get some lunch and then took a long nap. When we woke up, he had numerous calls coming in. He first talked to the CEO of his company, who informed him that Derrick was one of the two runners that died during the race. WHAT? I couldn't believe it! He ran right past me. I don't know if anyone else toward the Finish line was waiting on him, but it's possible I was one of the last people to see him alive. That just doesn't make sense! Life begins and ends so quickly! We were merely 2 tenths of a mile from the finish line. Derrick collapsed a half a tenth or less and that was it. He was almost there!
 |
| Derrick and Kevin at dinner after some fair or festival last summer. |
The next week was really tough for us! Kevin left the morning after the marathon for a work trip and was gone until Wednesday night. So, we were both grieving in our own ways, but away from each other. Then my mama was scheduled to have surgery that Thursday morning. However, she came down with something flu-like and surgery was cancelled. I was SO relieved! The amount of work stress that was on me in addition to stress from the accounting class I'm taking and the emotional roller coaster we'd be on, I just didn't want her to have surgery yet. We finished the week off by going up to Vermont to see Kevin's family. Which was stressful in it's own way with traveling and making time to see everyone. But, it was so awesome to just soak up time with people we love. That are still here on earth to visit with!
Meeting Kevin at his office on Thursday to leave for the airport for Vermont was hard! All of his co-workers had returned from Derrick's funeral and were mingling around the office. Kevin, swamped with work, wasn't able to go to the funeral. Relief came Thursday night during a layover in DC when I read an article on WRAL from a cardiologist who was on the other side of the barrier from Derrick when he went down. He said it looked like Derrick tripped and he just went down. The guy apparently jumped over and rushed to Derrick's aid and started CPR right away until medical folks could get there. From his point of view it sounded like Derrick's heart stopped before he even hit the pavement. Maybe not relief for the family, but it made me feel better that Derrick wasn't alone. That it wasn't because EMS took too long, but that someone was there to help him immediately. A cardiologist!
Derrick's death has made me think about grief lately. When I heard about the two deaths during the marathon, I simply thought "sad". I didn't have any connection. There's so much bad happening in the world, and death is such a commonplace thing, that it's not really special. And that's when I get upset because death is just "sad" unless you know the person and then it's gut-wrenching! And the world doesn't stop for you to be blindsided by the loss of someone you love. The world continues to turn and life goes on. I remember when daddy died, I just wanted everyone around me to be crying too. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to smile and it made me upset. I'm sure Derrick's family is feeling the same thing in his absence. We all need more than a day or two to bounce back and sometimes, grief never allows us the opportunity to bounce back. Sometimes it changes and shapes our lives differently, forever.
I can't imagine what my mama went through losing the love of her life with two small children. I know she cried a lot and took naps and when I would try to get her up, she'd tell me to play by myself. I can't imagine the man I'd been married to for 17 years, just not being there anymore. I don't know if she thinks about him daily, but I can imagine how painful that would be if she did. I do know that I'm not scared to die. In fact, I think eternity in heaven sure beats a lot of the days here on Earth. I'd rather be there sooner than later. I just worry about leaving Kevin or other family members behind. I don't want them to experience grief when I'm gone. Kevin says we'll die together, holding hands when we're 100 years old. I don't think that's going to happen, but I sure hope it's when both of us are old and have lived many good years and have some closure with the people we love!
Until we're in heaven, there will be grief. I'm sure I'll experience much more! I just can't wait for the eternal celebration in heaven!
.JPG)
.JPG)
