(I was ready to post this in October 2020 and then had a medical set-back, so here we are in Feb. 2021. I'll hopefully have the time/energy to blog about the most recent happenings, but here's the end of Elizabeth's birth story and the hospital stay...)
So, here we are in antepartum and I still feel so tired and drugged up. There was nothing memorable to report because I couldn't eat, so we napped and rested and Elizabeth nursed and we all tried to pass the hours until the next morning when I could have solids.
Every time a nurse came in throughout the night, I was up to use the bathroom. And my blood pressure was checked every hour with the automatic cuff. At 5am on Thursday morning a doctor came in to talk and look at my BP readings from the night and she ordered the magnesium to be stopped. Hallelujah! And I ordered the largest amount of food I could and devoured it all that morning! As I began coming off the magnesium, I truly realized how much of a druggy fog I'd been in over the last 24 hours.
Elizabeth was checked out at 7am on Thursday morning and passed her tests. She also got a hearing test mid-morning that day and I got a glorious shower!! Clean Mama = Happy Mama!
Elizabeth was checked out at 7am on Thursday morning and passed her tests. She also got a hearing test mid-morning that day and I got a glorious shower!! Clean Mama = Happy Mama!
Friday morning, knowing the doctor had come in at 5am the previous morning, I was ready and waiting to break out of jail! I had been so ready to go home and the anticipation of the discharge was great! 5am turned to 6. Then it was 8am. Soon it was 10am and we finally knew we had to put in a lunch order if we were going to eat...and still the doctor hadn't come. I went from excited and calm to more and more anxious and upset. And every time a nurse came to check my blood pressure, it was higher and higher. By the time the doctors arrived, I was in tears.
We needed to get to Coralie. We had told her so many times that we would see her soon and she was getting antsy. In her 2.5 years of life these were the first and only nights I've ever been away from her. She had begun crying at naptime and bedtime and we needed to get to our girl! Kevin and I decided while waiting that regardless of what the doctors said, he was going to leave and get her. We knew that meant he wouldn't be able to come back to the hospital, but I'd be with Elizabeth and he'd be with Coralie and we'd figure it out. When my mom would call my sister, Coralie would say, "bye grandma." She wanted the line free in case Kevin and I called. She just knew grandma being on the phone was preventing us from calling in. Even now she'll sometimes tell me, "mommy and daddy came back." Almost in disbelief like she wasn't sure we actually would. Poor girl! My mama heart was breaking for her.
We say affirmations before bed each night. Hers are "I am brave. I am strong. I am smart. I love Jesus. God loves me. I'm a good girl. I'm a good helper. I'm a good friend." I was sitting in the hospital bed saying those affirmations to myself, silently crying and watching the nurses shuffle back and forth as they had to record one bad blood pressure reading after another. It was all I could take!
When the doctors did come in, I was really, REALLY upset. I was super defensive at first and they were too. One asked me to take three deep breaths. And I did. Really, really deep breaths. I think it actually shocked her. And then I cried a lot. I explained to them how I HAD to go get my oldest. My blood pressure readings had been so good leading up to that morning and I honestly thought the higher readings were because I needed to go home. There was nothing to do to bring them down except let me leave. I was to the point of refusing care and just walking out (which my lawyer sister reminded me would be a bad idea if I wanted insurance to pay for anything). We talked about me needing to be on a blood pressure medication and all of a sudden the doctors were gone and a nurse was coming in with a pill in a cup. I refused to take it. No one had told me what it was or side effects, or how long I could be on it. I had zero information and I wasn't going to just take a pill so I could leave.
At this point Kevin was beside himself. He agreed with me, but just knew everyone was going to be frustrated with me. If I wanted to leave so bad, I needed to fall in line with what I was being asked to do. Except I didn't.
We say affirmations before bed each night. Hers are "I am brave. I am strong. I am smart. I love Jesus. God loves me. I'm a good girl. I'm a good helper. I'm a good friend." I was sitting in the hospital bed saying those affirmations to myself, silently crying and watching the nurses shuffle back and forth as they had to record one bad blood pressure reading after another. It was all I could take!
When the doctors did come in, I was really, REALLY upset. I was super defensive at first and they were too. One asked me to take three deep breaths. And I did. Really, really deep breaths. I think it actually shocked her. And then I cried a lot. I explained to them how I HAD to go get my oldest. My blood pressure readings had been so good leading up to that morning and I honestly thought the higher readings were because I needed to go home. There was nothing to do to bring them down except let me leave. I was to the point of refusing care and just walking out (which my lawyer sister reminded me would be a bad idea if I wanted insurance to pay for anything). We talked about me needing to be on a blood pressure medication and all of a sudden the doctors were gone and a nurse was coming in with a pill in a cup. I refused to take it. No one had told me what it was or side effects, or how long I could be on it. I had zero information and I wasn't going to just take a pill so I could leave.
At this point Kevin was beside himself. He agreed with me, but just knew everyone was going to be frustrated with me. If I wanted to leave so bad, I needed to fall in line with what I was being asked to do. Except I didn't.
We waited and the doctors came back in and explained the pill and the dosage and everything. We talked it out and the agreement was made that I could leave without taking any blood pressure mediation, but I had to check my BP when I got home and I HAD to show up for my follow up appointment with the midwives the next morning. And if my BP was still high, I'd have to go on meds. This sounded reasonable enough to me, so the discharge paperwork was started.
In about an hour flat we were driving away from UNC and off to get Coralie. She was so thrilled to see us and so excited to meet her baby sister. Want to see your kid grow up overnight? Have a newborn! Coralie was all of a sudden a teenager and I just couldn't get over how big and mature she was. Where was my baby?
We loaded up and took off for home. We arrived just in time to have dinner and get Coralie to bed. My blood pressure reading that night was great.
The next morning, Saturday, we had breakfast and packed Coralie up to spend the morning with some friends while we went in to the birth center for our "home visit", which couldn't be at home because of COVID-19.
We had a great visit, except my BP was still high enough for them to be concerned and they had us pack up and sent us back over to UNC. This time we stopped for lunch on the way (not knowing what the day would bring us) and we didn't know what to expect walking in with just ourselves. We didn't even have enough diapers for Elizabeth and had to use some from the hospital.
In about an hour flat we were driving away from UNC and off to get Coralie. She was so thrilled to see us and so excited to meet her baby sister. Want to see your kid grow up overnight? Have a newborn! Coralie was all of a sudden a teenager and I just couldn't get over how big and mature she was. Where was my baby?
We loaded up and took off for home. We arrived just in time to have dinner and get Coralie to bed. My blood pressure reading that night was great.
The next morning, Saturday, we had breakfast and packed Coralie up to spend the morning with some friends while we went in to the birth center for our "home visit", which couldn't be at home because of COVID-19.
I was put in a triage room and a myriad of test were run on me. Blood tests, another urine sample, the works. I was hooked back up to a blood pressure cuff and it routinely checked my blood pressure for the duration of our stay. I was quizzed on the preeclampsia symptoms again, and once again, I wasn't experiencing any. I did have a tightness/throbbing in the left side of my neck and I cautiously told the doctor, but they didn't think that was related at all.
In the end all of my tests came back normal except one slightly elevated liver enzyme, which had nothing to do with preeclampsia, and my BP readings, while elevated, were not concerning. Thank goodness for that because had everything not checked out okay, I would have been readmitted and hooked back up to magnesium for another 24 hours...another 24 hours of not eating. And again, we weren't even prepared to be at the hospital, so that would have been the pits! As it was, I was prescribed a BP med to start taking immediately and we were discharged. Interestingly enough the med was a different one than what I had been asked to take the day before. After examining me again, they realized an elevated heart rate for me led to the elevated blood pressure and prescribed a med that was specific for that. Thank goodness I didn't take the pill the day before. Some of these meds you have to wean off of and it would have really given my system a shock to be flip-flopping prescriptions.
At the same time we were sitting in the triage room, I was supposed to be having my placenta encapsulated at our house like I did with Coralie. Since we couldn't be there, we delayed the process, but after talking to the doctors, we decided not to do it this time. Preeclampsia can mess with the placenta and if my BP was all out of wack and making me sick, we didn't want me to risk ingesting the very thing that was making me "sick" during pregnancy. There's just not enough data to say if it's safe or not, so we skipped that this time. Thankfully my baby blues weren't nearly as bad this time as the first go-round.
By the time we left there and got home, we were able to pick up Coralie from our friends' with enough time to have dinner and go to bed. Thank goodness they were able to keep her all day. And what a blessing I checked out okay enough to go home. Poor Coralie's world was rocked! We had left her on a Tuesday evening and the first time we got to have a full day together was Sunday.
In the end all of my tests came back normal except one slightly elevated liver enzyme, which had nothing to do with preeclampsia, and my BP readings, while elevated, were not concerning. Thank goodness for that because had everything not checked out okay, I would have been readmitted and hooked back up to magnesium for another 24 hours...another 24 hours of not eating. And again, we weren't even prepared to be at the hospital, so that would have been the pits! As it was, I was prescribed a BP med to start taking immediately and we were discharged. Interestingly enough the med was a different one than what I had been asked to take the day before. After examining me again, they realized an elevated heart rate for me led to the elevated blood pressure and prescribed a med that was specific for that. Thank goodness I didn't take the pill the day before. Some of these meds you have to wean off of and it would have really given my system a shock to be flip-flopping prescriptions.
At the same time we were sitting in the triage room, I was supposed to be having my placenta encapsulated at our house like I did with Coralie. Since we couldn't be there, we delayed the process, but after talking to the doctors, we decided not to do it this time. Preeclampsia can mess with the placenta and if my BP was all out of wack and making me sick, we didn't want me to risk ingesting the very thing that was making me "sick" during pregnancy. There's just not enough data to say if it's safe or not, so we skipped that this time. Thankfully my baby blues weren't nearly as bad this time as the first go-round.
By the time we left there and got home, we were able to pick up Coralie from our friends' with enough time to have dinner and go to bed. Thank goodness they were able to keep her all day. And what a blessing I checked out okay enough to go home. Poor Coralie's world was rocked! We had left her on a Tuesday evening and the first time we got to have a full day together was Sunday.
I can't tell you the ins and outs of those first days because we were just trying to survive and learn our "new normal", but there were some setbacks.
First of all the side effects of the blood pressure medicine were VERY similar to side effects of preeclampsia and also the same as postpartum symptoms. I'm talking dizziness, depression (which could have been the meds or baby blues from hormones), headache (a horrible headache is also associated with preeclampsia, which is also possible post birth, so how was I supposed to know the cause of the headache?), tiredness and lack of energy (hello! sleep deprivation with a newborn can quickly get you into that state). Just hearing this was frustrating because how was I going to know what symptoms corresponded to what? I couldn't stand up, bend down or basically move my body in any capacity without feeling strange and lightheaded. This was very difficult with a newborn. I couldn't sit up in bed too fast or stand up after sitting on the couch without going really slow and making sure I didn't get off-balance. How was I supposed to hold a newborn and not be able to move freely? I wasn't supposed to drive while on the medication. I basically needed to be monitored all day/everyday.
On top of all of that, I tweaked my back in the hospital bed during my stay and the beginning of that pain was what I was feeling in my neck when I was readmitted for tests. It only intensified and radiated from my middle back up into my neck causing me not to be able to move my head from side to side. The pain was BAD! I saw the chiropractor 3 times in the first two weeks we were home and I was still in pain. The pain was only compounded with me needing to look down and from side to side to nurse Elizabeth. Seriously, everything I did was painful!
Icing on the cake was a chemical burn. Monday, we paid extra to put Coralie in preschool for the day because we had Elizabeth's first peds appt. and the chiropractor. We took Elizabeth for a lactation appointment at the pediatrician and the lactation consultant suggested I put ice packs on my breasts and gave me some wrapped in paper towels. We saw the doctor after the consultation and I noticed in the exam room that my shirt was stained all over. It felt greasy and soapy-like. I just assumed it was breast milk, but it was ALL OVER ME! I put those clothes in the hamper when I got home, but noticed later that day or the next day that I was red and itchy. I was worried I was getting mastitis and asked a midwife when I went in the next day. She didn't think it was mastitis, but thought it was odd and that's when I remembered the ice packs and the stain on my shirt. One had to have burst and it gave me a huge chemical burn on my boob. The worst part is, after I healed up from that, I happened to be wearing the same bra one day and got irritated again. My skin literally burnt off. I had washed the bra, but the chemical must have still been on there. I ended up having to run it through the laundry about 6 times before I wore it again. Just another unexpected part of having a new baby!
On top of all of that, I tweaked my back in the hospital bed during my stay and the beginning of that pain was what I was feeling in my neck when I was readmitted for tests. It only intensified and radiated from my middle back up into my neck causing me not to be able to move my head from side to side. The pain was BAD! I saw the chiropractor 3 times in the first two weeks we were home and I was still in pain. The pain was only compounded with me needing to look down and from side to side to nurse Elizabeth. Seriously, everything I did was painful!
Icing on the cake was a chemical burn. Monday, we paid extra to put Coralie in preschool for the day because we had Elizabeth's first peds appt. and the chiropractor. We took Elizabeth for a lactation appointment at the pediatrician and the lactation consultant suggested I put ice packs on my breasts and gave me some wrapped in paper towels. We saw the doctor after the consultation and I noticed in the exam room that my shirt was stained all over. It felt greasy and soapy-like. I just assumed it was breast milk, but it was ALL OVER ME! I put those clothes in the hamper when I got home, but noticed later that day or the next day that I was red and itchy. I was worried I was getting mastitis and asked a midwife when I went in the next day. She didn't think it was mastitis, but thought it was odd and that's when I remembered the ice packs and the stain on my shirt. One had to have burst and it gave me a huge chemical burn on my boob. The worst part is, after I healed up from that, I happened to be wearing the same bra one day and got irritated again. My skin literally burnt off. I had washed the bra, but the chemical must have still been on there. I ended up having to run it through the laundry about 6 times before I wore it again. Just another unexpected part of having a new baby!
Tuesday I had a follow-up at the birth center and thankfully got to see my friend from college. My blood pressure was in the normal range that appointment and we debriefed everything that had happened with the birth. It truly was a "God wink" that she was my telehealth call. I didn't have swelling anywhere in my body, that I could report. But she took one look at me on the computer screen and "knew" I had preeclampsia because the bags under my eyes were swollen. Take a look at these pictures-especially the ones from the strawberry patch. She said it's one of the strange places ladies with preeclampsia swell and as soon as she saw me, she just knew. The jury's still out on whether it was "true preeclampsia" since I really only had the high BP, but I've since talked to many midwives, doulas, and a respected friend who's an OB and they all have said when BP is that high, it's automatically preeclampsia. I just think it's strange that I was in the normal range while laboring (exactly what happened with Coralie's birth). It took me having multiple conversations with these people to realize that my life (and Elizabeth's) truly was in danger. And it took many weeks for me to process my emotions from everything. This really was a traumatic birth experience in many ways. Just because it was so different than what I wanted. And then at the same time I felt really guilty thinking that way because there are people that have had it so much worse. At the end of the day, I realized I'm allowed to mourn what didn't happen for me. I even think my L&D nurse validated that for me in the moment. Just because my experience wasn't "as bad" or "as traumatic" as someone elses, doesn't negate what I experienced and how it made me feel. But finally realizing the severity of preeclampsia, I had to process a whole new set of thought/emotions/worries. What if something bad had happened and I had died or was dying in the hospital? Would my family have disobeyed the COVID orders and stormed the hospital anyway? Or would I have died alone with Kevin by my side and maybe Elizabeth too and left him to take care of Coralie alone? There were a few very dark moments. One day in particular where I wanted to leave this earth all together and I was trying to think of a way in which it wouldn't burden Kevin or the girls. While very sad, my heart is not bound to this earth, I long to be in heaven with Jesus VERY often and even more so since this past March. While that longing never goes away, I'm happy to report I'm not feeling down in the dumps these days. Birth trauma? Postpartum? Side effects from the BP meds? Regardless, I had a LOT going on there for awhile!
I don't take pain relievers. I either tough it out or use oils, but the pain I experienced post birth was serious. Not sure if it was from the BP meds or the kink in my neck, but Sunday, May 24 it was so bad and I had already taken pain relievers and nothing was helping. There was throbbing in the back of my head on the right side and I just knew I was having a stroke (only because the midwives kept telling me I needed to keep myself checked in case I had a stroke). I suddenly got worried all over again. What if I had to be rushed to the hospital and we had no one to watch Coralie in the night. What if I was having the stroke, but Kevin couldn't get EMS to the house fast enough? We called the midwives and they thought the pain was probably just from my tweaked back, but to call back in the morning if it wasn't better. That time was probably when I was most concerned, but there were many days I was taking pain relievers every 4-6 hours and that's not like me at all! I think I ended up being on the BP meds for around two weeks and it took quite a few adjustments to get my neck and back straightened out, but it felt like FOREVER!
Coralie had a rough go of it for a few weeks. Her first day back to school was the day Elizabeth was born. She hadn't seen her teachers since March. Then she switched teachers the week after to start summer session. So, a whole new routine with new faces.
