Hearing Loss 2020

I've been told I'm a little long-winded on this blog. HAHA! That comment came from my husband. Thank you dear readers for being here, but the truth is this space is really for me. A place to document happenings in my little life and then a resource to access them later if I need (or want) to recall the details again. It helps my memory to put it all down and I never want to miss a detail...so, it is what it is. Being thorough is a Capricorn thing and here I am!

If you don't care to read the whole deal, here's the skinny: In early October 2020, I experienced sudden onset hearing loss. One day I was fine. The next I couldn't hear out of my right ear. I was told it was Meniere's Disease and through the work of my Chiropractor (after the ENT was unsuccessful over a 6 week period in restoring it), my hearing was restored. If you have been diagnosed with Meniere's Disease, I HIGHLY recommend you see my Chiropractor, Legacy Chiropractic, (if you're in the Raleigh, NC area) or find a chiropractor that uses the Gonstead technique.

If you care to delve into the whole thing, here we go...

 

I woke up Tuesday morning, October 6, with no hearing in my right ear. It felt like a cotton ball was shoved in there and if I could just swallow in an exaggerated way, it would pop and I'd be back to normal. That didn't happen and as the days went on and I tried different things to get it unclogged, I started to realize I needed to see a doctor and perhaps go on an antibiotic. I figured I must just have something stuck in there. And then I remembered that on Monday evening I was swishing with mouthwash while washing my face and trying to blow out of my nose so I wouldn't drown...life of a mom, right? And the pressure of me holding my breath and blowing out of my nose MUST have stopped my ear up. That was not true either. But I didn't know what was going on until Friday of that week. And I most likely wouldn't have learned that Friday if Thursday evening hadn't have happened.

Thursday I went to the dermatologist with Kevin in the morning and in the afternoon, was trying oils to get my ear to open up. I was sitting on Elizabeth's floor playing with her and working on it and then in the late afternoon/evening, I boiled water and put it and some oils in a mug, placed a towel over my head and breathed that in trying to help my sinuses open. Well, that didn't work and all of a sudden I was incredibly dizzy and couldn't stand up on my own. Kevin helped me to the couch. I was spinning and just knew I was going to get sick. I think I had a headache too? Not sure. He got the kids upstairs and taken care of so I could lay in silence. Closing my eyes made me spin. Opening them seemed better. At some point, I needed to go to the bathroom, but I thought if I stood up, I'd throw up. Kevin carried me and that was perhaps more horrible than if I had just walked on my own. After the bathroom, he helped me upstairs to bed and I managed to nurse Elizabeth before vomiting. I may have gotten sick another time in the night, but I knew then that I needed help the next day!

Friday morning, October 9, I started calling ENTs. They were all booked up. No one could see me. I happened to get the only opening available at the office my mom goes to for her Meniere's and hearing loss and took it. Kevin drove me and the girls and entertained them outside while I went in to assess the situation. Initially the doctor looked in my ear. I just KNEW something was blocking it and he could remove whatever it was and I'd be on my way. Unfortunately that wasn't the case and I was taken back for a hearing test. In the middle of the test I started crying. I knew what I was supposed to hear and I couldn't hear it. Next I was taken to a room where electrodes were put in my ears and sensors on my body and these terribly irritating noises were played. The test probably lasted an hour and I just lay there and cried. It gave me a headache and solidified that my hearing was gone. The sensors that were supposed to signal hearing to my brain weren't doing what they were supposed to do. I left there with a prescription for a steroid and an appointment to come back for a steroid shot to the eardrum. The doctor diagnosed it as Meniere's and everyone acted as this was commonplace when my entire world was shattered. I went back to the car to nurse Elizabeth and just cried. Would I ever hear her voice? Would I ever not be dizzy? I felt so betrayed by my body!

Leaving the first ENT visit-trying to be positive in front of the girls

Over the weekend I had long stretches where I wasn't dizzy and on Sunday night, my ear crackled and hearing returned for the evening, but when I woke up in the morning, it was gone again, so I called Monday morning to go in and see if anything had changed. There was slight improvement in me hearing low tones, but nothing significant. My steroid was refilled and I was asked to continue taking that until the steroid shot in case it was helping to improve. The "window" that most people gain hearing back with the steroid came and went for me and there was lots of disappointment. Kevin was working, but was really taking care of me and the kids full-time. I couldn't do anything I normally would. I couldn't drive because of the dizziness. I couldn't even run the bathtub with water. Hearing the sound of water running made me dizzy (and still does a year later). I couldn't bend and pick up kids. I felt really, really sorry for myself and really sad Kevin was having to care for me. I wanted to hear so badly and also kid/baby sounds annoyed me so much. Because of my hearing loss, the sounds changed and they were echoey and gave me a headache and I couldn't tell where noises were coming from. I spent a LOT of time in bed and doing my Bible Study and really prayed and poured my soul out to God. I was broken.

October 14, I went back in for a check and got the information for the "surgical procedure" that would take place on Friday. It was then I learned that two of the meds I was supposed to take before or after surgery weren't safe for breastfeeding mamas. This was frustrating too. And it wasn't an easy find. I had to research on my own, consult mamas in a breastfeeding group, call the peds to ask their opinion, call my midwives to ask what they thought. It's bananas to me that in this day and age, there isn't a consensus of what's safe for a breastfeeding baby. Crazy! Then I spent time trying to get activities together for the girls for the day I'd have the steroid shot to the ear, so that whomever was caring for them had things to do with them to help that process. I knew Kevin could handle it, but having to care for me too, I wanted to make it as easy as possible.

October 16, I woke early and got myself ready for the procedure. It was raining, which fit the mood. My mom came to drive me to the appointment. I had Kevin take a picture of me with the girls as like "my last picture" in case something happened.

"The Last Picture"

All this time, it was impossible for me to want to be around people. Communicating was hard. I felt like I was in a bubble and wanted to be left alone. It was comforting to know my mom was in the same boat with her Meniere's issues and also incredibly sad. I kept thinking this is no way to live! I can't say my faith was really challenged, but I was crying out to God to help me. I know before I was put under, I said something along the lines of "God can restore my hearing, he is capable of it and I just have to hope for my sake that he wants to." And I said something about Jesus as I was being put under and the doctor said something about needing a little bit of him and a little bit of Jesus. I don't know if he was making fun of me, but it was true. I needed his doctor expertise and I needed Jesus/God to do the work through him. In no time I was out of the procedure and on the way home. I went straight up to bed and rested for the remainder of the day, waking to pump when I needed to and then going back to sleep. Thank the LORD Elizabeth took a bottle through all of this. (Though all the milk I pumped was trashed because of the anesthesia and meds I was on.)

Post Surgery

The next day was hard. During breakfast, I heard the bass in a car for a solid hour and it just rattled my brain. No one else could hear it and it was maddening. I was ornery and wished my hearing would be taken away completely because every noise bothered me, but yet I desperately wanted to go back to "normal". I was depressed and devastated that this could now be my life and I really didn't know how I was going to learn to live like this.

I had thought about Chiropractic, but my monthly appointment was coming up in a week or so and I was just going to go when the appointment came. Ironically (and I think it's a God thing), my friend- who is wife to my chiropractor, reached out and asked if our chiropractor could adjust me. She just thought it might help and reached out on her own prompting. Of course I said yes and we worked out when that could happen. October 19 I had a follow-up ENT visit and still had hearing loss, though hearing high pitches was better. We arranged for an additional steroid shot to the eardrum be performed Thursday (Oct. 22). This one was going to be without anesthesia. I would most likely be EXTREMELY dizzy and may throw up, but the pain and dizziness would subside and I wouldn't have to have the drugs in my body and be incapacitated for a day. I also talked to the friend of a friend around this time, who had gone through a similar situation and had young kids. She had to stop breastfeeding early to take a medicine to help her condition and now has a hearing aid. I was devastated to hear this news and trying to process what that would look like for us. Could I really stop nursing Elizabeth?

That evening (Oct. 19) I was adjusted around 7:30/8:00pm. I was SO nervous to be adjusted. Worried it would make me sick. Adjustment went great. I was out of alignment on C2 and my mid-back and lower back also needed fixing. I walked around outside right afterward and then went to bed early around 8:30pm. I woke up around midnight after feeling these strange sensations like I was a plant and slowly all of my leaves were dying off from my head to my feet, a rolling motion, this smooth fluid motion of dread that went down my whole body. I telephoned Kevin because he wasn't in bed and asked him to bring me some water. Around 2:00/2:30am, I got extremely hot and cold at the same time. Sweating, but freezing. It too started at my head and went down my whole body. My gut was gurgling from as high as my heart to lower than my pelvis and I knew I had to go to the bathroom immediately. I alerted Kevin and was able to walk to the bathroom by myself. I was not dizzy, but moved very carefully to not get sick.

My system completely emptied itself and then the walls started coming in on me. I was shaking almost like I was having a seizure and had severe ringing in my ears. I felt like everything was closing in like I was going to pass out. But I did not, which was great. I also did not throw up, but got a lot of waste out of my system. I got back in bed and again had the tingling sensation moving from my head to my feet four or five times throughout the night. Around 6 or 7am, I had to go to the bathroom again. I finally ate something-applesauce and toast around 6am (having not eaten well the last couple of days). I was very emotional, crying and wanting to die and talking seriously to Kevin about if I did die my wishes for him and the girls and if this happened again, I wanted to be taken immediately to the hospital because unless I was witnessed in that state, it would be almost impossible to make anyone understand what I was going through. It was a tough night/an emotional night!

October 20, I woke up for the day feeling good in the morning. I was not dizzy and I could hear-hearing returned sometime in the night. Hallelujah! I was adjusted again the morning of October 20. I had new X-Rays taken. My head was completely in the wrong place. C1 and C2 were off, but even the vertebrae above that. My teeth did not even line up in my spinal column, some were outside of it. I was strapped into the chair for the adjustment and given a trashcan in case I got sick. I felt warmth afterwards, but did not get sick. I walked after and went for a smoothie because I was finally hungry. C1 and C2 vertebrae control so much of what I was experiencing: hearing, ear aches, vagal nerve and blood pressure (which was a mess in pregnancy, but was 118/80 in the office that day). I left there and with trepidation, got my haircut successfully-though the process of drying my hair gave me a headache. Later in the day on October 20, I could still hear and felt tired, but had no other symptoms.

I can hear! And she's cute!

I called the ENT on October 20 and told him what had happened with Chiropractic and that I wouldn't be coming in for the next steroid shot. He was shocked and baffled and I think he honestly didn't give Chiropractic that much credit, but he was thrilled for me that I could hear. He had set me up with a neurologist to be checked out and have an MRI, so I followed through with that. And had to fire the first neurologist, but had a clear MRI and saw another neurologist that confirmed everything was fine with my brain (some would disagree...haha). And I did see the ENT again for a hearing test that checked out completely normal on November 2. 

Able to care for my girls and enjoy them...priceless!

For months-until February 2021, I did daily exercises to strengthen my neck and back and hopefully help me stay in alignment and not lose adjustments so fast. I eventually started driving again and even though that was SUPER scary, I just took it one day and one trip at a time. Even now, I'm one day at a time! I keep a notebook with everything I do each day complete with bowel movements, headaches, sleep patterns, supplements I take, if I'm dizzy or not, anything that I feel might be important to trace back in case I need the record.

It hasn't been an easy road, but wow! 

It was debilitating. I was unable to care for my girls each day, basically stayed in bed a lot and slept or did my Bible study. Lots of tears! I had to be chauffeured around to appointments which meant Kevin had to care for me and the girls all day everyday on top of working full time. Those 6 weeks were some of the lowest moments in my whole life. Through the miracle of chiropractic my hearing was restored, praise Jesus! But each day since I've been reminded at some point during the day of this medical issue. Either through something with my hearing, dizziness, feeling off-balance or documenting a "good day". I am beyond thankful for the gift of sound, but months later, I'm still figuring it all out.

One of the most special pictures...able to hear my girl's voice!

I've been working on finishing this post for months and months and now June 2022, I'm in the middle of another episode of hearing loss. So, to be continued...

The North Carolina State Fair

I LOVE THE FAIR! No, really! In fact there are many things in life I love, but the fair is WAY up at the top! I can't remember a year (other than 2020-Thanks AGAIN COVID) that I've missed it. There are many reasons to love the fair. The sights (people watching), the sounds (music and the laughter of screams coming from various rides), the smells (funnel cakes and cow manure), but the tastes, that's what gets me back each year. I go to eat. In fact, when I was single, I'd get tickets for one day to go with a friend/boyfriend/group of people and then I'd go alone on canned food night just so I could be as fast and stealthy as possible, navigating through the crowds, to hit up my favorite spots!

It's ironic. Kevin's job takes him across the country to fairs and festivals from around May-September. He lives on fair grounds. By the time the NC State Fair rolls around (and we're the last in the country) he's had his fair share! Ha! Pun intended! But he goes every year for me because I am at my best when I'm at the fair! We love the fair so much, we even included it as one of our wedding week activities.

Now some people go for the candied apples, the funnel cakes, the turkey legs, etc. Those are all well and good, but they're not on my must-eat list. Without further ado, let's get into it! You're going to need this map to follow along and I'll do my best to explain where vendors and booths are located. Some move each year. Most are in their same spots and almost ALL I have no idea their official name, I just know what I eat there.

One of my favorites-the Krispy Kreme Burger

I take the same route into the fair each year and get the same 3 items each time. I park over at PNC/Carter Finley and enter through gate 8. This puts me in the perfect spot to start with Apple Cider in Heritage Circle. It's the second vendor on the right after the grist mill. They offer Hot Apple Cider-which will burn your tongue off, or Apple Freezie (frozen apple cider). The lady at this spot is not the nicest, but if you're lucky, you can get a hot cider with a splash of frozen (so you can drink immediately). I've only had her deny me once.

The next stop is Roasted Corn. This booth is just up the hill from the Village of Yesteryear in front of the Marketplace. For YEARS this has been my spot and I won't get corn anywhere else. Just this week I had the only bad corn I've ever had there. It partially could have been my fault, I was there at 10am and they most likely didn't have the roaster up and going yet. The corn was cold and the butter was warm, but not warm enough to be really runny and drippy, so it was super clumpy. Believe me, I ate every kernel, but it wasn't great. Don't fear, I'll be back again this year for a second try!

To round out the first 3 stops, you need a Country Ham Biscuit from the Pittsboro Kiwanis Club. Head straight towards Dorton Arena from the corn stop (I call this "the main drag"), pass the Grandstand on your left and it will be across from the bathrooms on your right as you get closer to Dorton Arena. I like mine with mustard on it, but they offer other toppings including grape jelly.

After that, the day/night is yours. There are plenty of other food choices. Come along on this culinary experience!

Savory Snacks

Al's French Fries: Al's has two locations. One is at the corner of the Grandstand closest to Dorton Area. The other is by the Expo Center almost up to the Graham Building. They're french fries. But they're good and you can put vinegar and/or ketchup and other toppings on them. This is a staple for me at the State Fair.

Cheese Curds from Hot Wisconsin Cheese: Tucked between Kiddieland and the Midway behind the High Flier (Orville Terminus), this spot has delicious cheese curds! The mozzarella sticks are good too, but the cheese curds with ranch dressing are FANTASTIC!

Blooming Onions and Ribbon Fries: I don't have a specific spot for these, but they are quintessential fair foods if you're in the mood!

Main Meals

Steak Tips and Mashed Potatoes: This spot was new to me this year. Kevin knew of them and pointed them out (because when you work on fairs all year, you have to eat real food each day). This meal was very filling! The steak was tender and delicious. The mashed potatoes had red skins still on. You could add onions and mushrooms or just onions. Not sure of the booth name, it could be Pickle Barrel, but it's on the west side of Dorton Arena up against the Graham Building (almost in line with the Waterfall Stage).

Philly Cheese Steak Egg Rolls: Woody's located off "the main drag" headed toward the Midway (they have a red and white blimp WAY up in the air and if you miss that, a big gorilla on top of their booth) These are delicious! Savory and hearty with a unique twist. The dipping sauce is great. If you like Philly Chessesteaks, don't miss them!

Neomonde: Walk from the Dorton Arena Waterfall towards the Scott Building and they're on the right before you get to the High Flier on your left. Anything at Neomonde is good. The lamb kabobs this year were great! 

La Farm Bakery: They have great sandwiches and sweets. They're normally behind Dorton Arena between gates 1 and 2, but I don't think they're at the fair this year.

Arepa Loca: Located in Kiddieland. If you round the corner from Dorton Arena and head towards gate 1, take the first left, pass the carousel and head towards the huge slide. It's on the left. I had a chicken arepa and it was dynamite. The flavor was so good. It had some type of fruit topping, banana?, and maybe an avocado sauce? I don't know, it was yummy!

Chicken Pitas or Italian Sausage from Butcher Boys: These are nothing special, but they seem to be a spot we always gravitate towards when we need something substantial to eat after a long day at the fair. Butcher Boys have many spots, but we frequent the ones near the Grandstand.

Sweet Treats

Mini Donuts: If you're looking at the Waterfall at Dorton Arena, they're to your right before you get to the Graham Building. You can get all sorts of flavors-I prefer the cinnamon sugar- and different quantities (I get a dozen). If you are getting a lemonade or tea, I like to get mine here because of the cups and cheap refills. They're a little orange booth.

Eclairs: Up by the racing pigs at Mazzarella Pizza, Inc., they have gingerbread, brownies, muffins. The eclairs are bigger than my head and they are fantastic! I haven't had one in many, many years and I still think about it often!

Howling Cow Ice Cream: On "the main drag" between the Marketplace and the Grandstand. If I get this, it's normally on the way out. I go for Wolftracks, Mint Chocolate Chip, Sea Salt Caramel or straightup Chocolate. You can't go wrong!

Anything deep fried: No specific spot for this, but there is a stand in the permanent building east of Dorton Arena to your left if you're walking towards the Scott Building (1853 Grille). I prefer the deep fried Reese's cups because they're smaller and not as messy. And they're easy to share! I didn't see many deep fried booths this year, maybe it's not a "thing" anymore.

Campfire on a Stick: I'm suggesting this without having tried it myself, but it looks awesome. A skewer with marshmallows and in between each marshmallow is a mini pancake. It's at the Hot Chix Hotcakes and Chicken stand in Kiddieland, it's down past Arepas behind Balloon Fiesta ride (hot air balloon ferris wheel).

Maple Cotton Candy: This is in the Commercial Building at a booth that sells all maple products including maple syrup and candies, but the cotton candy is a must-buy and I take it home to enjoy for many days!

My favorite drink at the fair is a lime fizz. There are fresh squeezed orangeades, lemonades and limeades at a stand in Kiddieland across from the carousel. So refreshing on a hot day!

I couldn't leave a post like this without telling you what I enjoy doing and seeing at the fair. The food is good, but the whole experience makes it memorable. 

One of my favorite things to do with the kids is get silhouettes done in Yesteryear. It's awesome to see how they've changed each year. This is a fun experience and a treasure to enjoy at home until October rolls around again!

We love to go visit the animals in the Graham Building and the Expo Center. Depending on when you go, you can see baby chicks hatch. There's cow milking, ducks that slide down a water slide, all sorts of things.

I also like to see the largest pumpkin and all of the award-winning produce. And if you've never seen the pig races, you need to do that! Very entertaining. My tip for the pig races is to grab some food and head over about an hour early. The seats fill up fast and you want to be able to see the action.

Inside the Education and Commercial Building I get Mt. Olive Pickles (they were not around in 2019 and I couldn't find them this year either) and peanuts, I love to see the quilts and cakes and table decorations and we always stop by the maple cotton candy booth.

We go to the Scott Building to see the art. I love walking around to check it all out-both the amateur and professional. There are also vendors selling things here and one deep fried booth.

If you need to get away from the crowds, I love to walk around the Flower Gardens. They're beautiful and you can relax in the shade! The fireworks at night are really spectacular from here too!

Now that we have kids, we spend LOTS of time in Kiddieland. I haven't ridden anything in years until the last two years when you HAVE to ride with your kid! That's a given, but The Field of Dreams on the east side of Dorton Arena is a fun stop to do with kids too. They can walk around and see how our food is grown and they have coloring sheets and freebies. There are also shows on the west side of the Education Building and north of the Commercial Building. If you can catch one, they're entertaining for littles.

Casey Cardinal-The NC State Fair Mascot

I don't spend so much time in Heritage Circle, but if the Grist Mill is open, that's fun to walk through and get a hush puppy on the way out!

And in my old age, I'm not into rides or midway games, but if that's your thing, there are plenty to engage in! Back in the day, I would time each evening fair trip with a ride on the Ferris wheel right as the fireworks went off. It was perfect to be on top of the world as the booms lit up the sky and signaled the end of another fabulous fair day.

And lastly, there's a red barn/building facing Hillsborough Street between Gate 1 and the back entrance to Dorton Arena. It's always decorated with fall decorations and sometimes Christmas decorations. We love to pause for a quick family picture here each year.

I've only been to the State Fair twice this year and I'm already excited for my next trip. There's so much more to eat and see. My first visit this year was a surprise from Kevin on our anniversary. I didn't know where we were going, so I didn't have time to prepare. And he planned that we would watch the Pseudo Cowboys (featuring Adam Pitts) on the Dorton Arena Waterfall stage for an hour. It was perfect since Adam played our cocktail hour 9 years ago and it was a great day to enjoy the fair kid-free in the limited time we had! Who said the fair can't be romantic?!

Up on the High Flier and reconsidering our decision!

Disclaimer: I pace myself and listen to my body. I do not eat all of the foods mentioned on each trip to the fair. If you have a gallbladder attack, I am not responsible. Good luck and enjoy the most fantastic time of the year in North Carolina! Nothing could be finer and this year it was truly "Worth the Wait!"

The remainder of our hospital stay...and beyond

(I was ready to post this in October 2020 and then had a medical set-back, so here we are in Feb. 2021.  I'll hopefully have the time/energy to blog about the most recent happenings, but here's the end of Elizabeth's birth story and the hospital stay...)

So, here we are in antepartum and I still feel so tired and drugged up.  There was nothing memorable to report because I couldn't eat, so we napped and rested and Elizabeth nursed and we all tried to pass the hours until the next morning when I could have solids.

Every time a nurse came in throughout the night, I was up to use the bathroom.  And my blood pressure was checked every hour with the automatic cuff.  At 5am on Thursday morning a doctor came in to talk and look at my BP readings from the night and she ordered the magnesium to be stopped.  Hallelujah!  And I ordered the largest amount of food I could and devoured it all that morning!  As I began coming off the magnesium, I truly realized how much of a druggy fog I'd been in over the last 24 hours.

Elizabeth was checked out at 7am on Thursday morning and passed her tests.  She also got a hearing test mid-morning that day and I got a glorious shower!!  Clean Mama = Happy Mama!

Friday morning, knowing the doctor had come in at 5am the previous morning, I was ready and waiting to break out of jail!  I had been so ready to go home and the anticipation of the discharge was great!  5am turned to 6.  Then it was 8am.  Soon it was 10am and we finally knew we had to put in a lunch order if we were going to eat...and still the doctor hadn't come.  I went from excited and calm to more and more anxious and upset.  And every time a nurse came to check my blood pressure, it was higher and higher.  By the time the doctors arrived, I was in tears.

We needed to get to Coralie.  We had told her so many times that we would see her soon and she was getting antsy.  In her 2.5 years of life these were the first and only nights I've ever been away from her.  She had begun crying at naptime and bedtime and we needed to get to our girl!  Kevin and I decided while waiting that regardless of what the doctors said, he was going to leave and get her.  We knew that meant he wouldn't be able to come back to the hospital, but I'd be with Elizabeth and he'd be with Coralie and we'd figure it out.  When my mom would call my sister, Coralie would say, "bye grandma."  She wanted the line free in case Kevin and I called.  She just knew grandma being on the phone was preventing us from calling in.  Even now she'll sometimes tell me, "mommy and daddy came back."  Almost in disbelief like she wasn't sure we actually would.  Poor girl!  My mama heart was breaking for her.
We say affirmations before bed each night.  Hers are "I am brave. I am strong. I am smart. I love Jesus. God loves me. I'm a good girl. I'm a good helper. I'm a good friend."  I was sitting in the hospital bed saying those affirmations to myself, silently crying and watching the nurses shuffle back and forth as they had to record one bad blood pressure reading after another.  It was all I could take!
When the doctors did come in, I was really, REALLY upset.  I was super defensive at first and they were too.  One asked me to take three deep breaths.  And I did.  Really, really deep breaths.  I think it actually shocked her.  And then I cried a lot.  I explained to them how I HAD to go get my oldest.  My blood pressure readings had been so good leading up to that morning and I honestly thought the higher readings were because I needed to go home.  There was nothing to do to bring them down except let me leave.  I was to the point of refusing care and just walking out (which my lawyer sister reminded me would be a bad idea if I wanted insurance to pay for anything).  We talked about me needing to be on a blood pressure medication and all of a sudden the doctors were gone and a nurse was coming in with a pill in a cup.  I refused to take it.  No one had told me what it was or side effects, or how long I could be on it.  I had zero information and I wasn't going to just take a pill so I could leave.
At this point Kevin was beside himself.  He agreed with me, but just knew everyone was going to be frustrated with me.  If I wanted to leave so bad, I needed to fall in line with what I was being asked to do.  Except I didn't.

We waited and the doctors came back in and explained the pill and the dosage and everything.  We talked it out and the agreement was made that I could leave without taking any blood pressure mediation, but I had to check my BP when I got home and I HAD to show up for my follow up appointment with the midwives the next morning.  And if my BP was still high, I'd have to go on meds.  This sounded reasonable enough to me, so the discharge paperwork was started.
In about an hour flat we were driving away from UNC and off to get Coralie.  She was so thrilled to see us and so excited to meet her baby sister.  Want to see your kid grow up overnight?  Have a newborn!  Coralie was all of a sudden a teenager and I just couldn't get over how big and mature she was.  Where was my baby?

We loaded up and took off for home.  We arrived just in time to have dinner and get Coralie to bed.  My blood pressure reading that night was great.
The next morning, Saturday, we had breakfast and packed Coralie up to spend the morning with some friends while we went in to the birth center for our "home visit", which couldn't be at home because of COVID-19. 

We had a great visit, except my BP was still high enough for them to be concerned and they had us pack up and sent us back over to UNC.  This time we stopped for lunch on the way (not knowing what the day would bring us) and we didn't know what to expect walking in with just ourselves.  We didn't even have enough diapers for Elizabeth and had to use some from the hospital.

I was put in a triage room and a myriad of test were run on me.  Blood tests, another urine sample, the works.  I was hooked back up to a blood pressure cuff and it routinely checked my blood pressure for the duration of our stay.  I was quizzed on the preeclampsia symptoms again, and once again, I wasn't experiencing any.  I did have a tightness/throbbing in the left side of my neck and I cautiously told the doctor, but they didn't think that was related at all.
In the end all of my tests came back normal except one slightly elevated liver enzyme, which had nothing to do with preeclampsia, and my BP readings, while elevated, were not concerning.  Thank goodness for that because had everything not checked out okay, I would have been readmitted and hooked back up to magnesium for another 24 hours...another 24 hours of not eating.  And again, we weren't even prepared to be at the hospital, so that would have been the pits!  As it was, I was prescribed a BP med to start taking immediately and we were discharged.  Interestingly enough the med was a different one than what I had been asked to take the day before.  After examining me again, they realized an elevated heart rate for me led to the elevated blood pressure and prescribed a med that was specific for that.  Thank goodness I didn't take the pill the day before.  Some of these meds you have to wean off of and it would have really given my system a shock to be flip-flopping prescriptions.
At the same time we were sitting in the triage room, I was supposed to be having my placenta encapsulated at our house like I did with Coralie.  Since we couldn't be there, we delayed the process, but after talking to the doctors, we decided not to do it this time.  Preeclampsia can mess with the placenta and if my BP was all out of wack and making me sick, we didn't want me to risk ingesting the very thing that was making me "sick" during pregnancy.  There's just not enough data to say if it's safe or not, so we skipped that this time.  Thankfully my baby blues weren't nearly as bad this time as the first go-round.
By the time we left there and got home, we were able to pick up Coralie from our friends' with enough time to have dinner and go to bed.  Thank goodness they were able to keep her all day.  And what a blessing I checked out okay enough to go home.  Poor Coralie's world was rocked!  We had left her on a Tuesday evening and the first time we got to have a full day together was Sunday.

I can't tell you the ins and outs of those first days because we were just trying to survive and learn our "new normal", but there were some setbacks.

First of all the side effects of the blood pressure medicine were VERY similar to side effects of preeclampsia and also the same as postpartum symptoms.  I'm talking dizziness, depression (which could have been the meds or baby blues from hormones), headache (a horrible headache is also associated with preeclampsia, which is also possible post birth, so how was I supposed to know the cause of the headache?), tiredness and lack of energy (hello! sleep deprivation with a newborn can quickly get you into that state).  Just hearing this was frustrating because how was I going to know what symptoms corresponded to what?  I couldn't stand up, bend down or basically move my body in any capacity without feeling strange and lightheaded.  This was very difficult with a newborn.  I couldn't sit up in bed too fast or stand up after sitting on the couch without going really slow and making sure I didn't get off-balance.  How was I supposed to hold a newborn and not be able to move freely?  I wasn't supposed to drive while on the medication.  I basically needed to be monitored all day/everyday.
On top of all of that, I tweaked my back in the hospital bed during my stay and the beginning of that pain was what I was feeling in my neck when I was readmitted for tests.  It only intensified and radiated from my middle back up into my neck causing me not to be able to move my head from side to side.  The pain was BAD!  I saw the chiropractor 3 times in the first two weeks we were home and I was still in pain.  The pain was only compounded with me needing to look down and from side to side to nurse Elizabeth.  Seriously, everything I did was painful!
Icing on the cake was a chemical burn.  Monday, we paid extra to put Coralie in preschool for the day because we had Elizabeth's first peds appt. and the chiropractor.  We took Elizabeth for a lactation appointment at the pediatrician and the lactation consultant suggested I put ice packs on my breasts and gave me some wrapped in paper towels.  We saw the doctor after the consultation and I noticed in the exam room that my shirt was stained all over.  It felt greasy and soapy-like.  I just assumed it was breast milk, but it was ALL OVER ME!  I put those clothes in the hamper when I got home, but noticed later that day or the next day that I was red and itchy.  I was worried I was getting mastitis and asked a midwife when I went in the next day.  She didn't think it was mastitis, but thought it was odd and that's when I remembered the ice packs and the stain on my shirt.  One had to have burst and it gave me a huge chemical burn on my boob.  The worst part is, after I healed up from that, I happened to be wearing the same bra one day and got irritated again.  My skin literally burnt off.  I had washed the bra, but the chemical must have still been on there.  I ended up having to run it through the laundry about 6 times before I wore it again.  Just another unexpected part of having a new baby!

Tuesday I had a follow-up at the birth center and thankfully got to see my friend from college.  My blood pressure was in the normal range that appointment and we debriefed everything that had happened with the birth.  It truly was a "God wink" that she was my telehealth call.  I didn't have swelling anywhere in my body, that I could report.  But she took one look at me on the computer screen and "knew" I had preeclampsia because the bags under my eyes were swollen.  Take a look at these pictures-especially the ones from the strawberry patch.  She said it's one of the strange places ladies with preeclampsia swell and as soon as she saw me, she just knew.  The jury's still out on whether it was "true preeclampsia" since I really only had the high BP, but I've since talked to many midwives, doulas, and a respected friend who's an OB and they all have said when BP is that high, it's automatically preeclampsia.  I just think it's strange that I was in the normal range while laboring (exactly what happened with Coralie's birth).  It took me having multiple conversations with these people to realize that my life (and Elizabeth's) truly was in danger.  And it took many weeks for me to process my emotions from everything.  This really was a traumatic birth experience in many ways.  Just because it was so different than what I wanted.  And then at the same time I felt really guilty thinking that way because there are people that have had it so much worse.  At the end of the day, I realized I'm allowed to mourn what didn't happen for me.  I even think my L&D nurse validated that for me in the moment.  Just because my experience wasn't "as bad" or "as traumatic" as someone elses, doesn't negate what I experienced and how it made me feel.  But finally realizing the severity of preeclampsia, I had to process a whole new set of thought/emotions/worries.  What if something bad had happened and I had died or was dying in the hospital?  Would my family have disobeyed the COVID orders and stormed the hospital anyway?  Or would I have died alone with Kevin by my side and maybe Elizabeth too and left him to take care of Coralie alone?  There were a few very dark moments.  One day in particular where I wanted to leave this earth all together and I was trying to think of a way in which it wouldn't burden Kevin or the girls.  While very sad, my heart is not bound to this earth, I long to be in heaven with Jesus VERY often and even more so since this past March.  While that longing never goes away, I'm happy to report I'm not feeling down in the dumps these days.  Birth trauma?  Postpartum?  Side effects from the BP meds?  Regardless, I had a LOT going on there for awhile!

I don't take pain relievers.  I either tough it out or use oils, but the pain I experienced post birth was serious.  Not sure if it was from the BP meds or the kink in my neck, but Sunday, May 24 it was so bad and I had already taken pain relievers and nothing was helping.  There was throbbing in the back of my head on the right side and I just knew I was having a stroke (only because the midwives kept telling me I needed to keep myself checked in case I had a stroke).  I suddenly got worried all over again.  What if I had to be rushed to the hospital and we had no one to watch Coralie in the night.  What if I was having the stroke, but Kevin couldn't get EMS to the house fast enough?  We called the midwives and they thought the pain was probably just from my tweaked back, but to call back in the morning if it wasn't better.  That time was probably when I was most concerned, but there were many days I was taking pain relievers every 4-6 hours and that's not like me at all!  I think I ended up being on the BP meds for around two weeks and it took quite a few adjustments to get my neck and back straightened out, but it felt like FOREVER!

Coralie had a rough go of it for a few weeks.  Her first day back to school was the day Elizabeth was born.  She hadn't seen her teachers since March.  Then she switched teachers the week after to start summer session.  So, a whole new routine with new faces.

We had been potty training and she was great, but there were definitely set-backs with all of these changes and she started having accidents again.  I'm so happy she never once said she wanted Elizabeth to go away or she wanted to send her back.  Through it all, she has loved her sister and has really been proud to be a big sister! Elizabeth "got" her a gift the morning after we were home from the hospital and it was so sweet to see her reaction. 

Labor for Baby B2 Part 2

It was about 7:30pm. We got lost trying to get to the parking deck we were supposed to be in. I still wasn't feeling many emotions because I was in shock this was happening, but I was having some mild contractions. We finally parked and started the walk to the hospital. We had been instructed to take in any and everything we might need. Once you entered, you couldn't leave...if that's not ominous, what is?!? Two nurses stopped us on our walk in and suggested we take the shuttle to the door. They said it would be a long walk otherwise, so we backed up and waited for it to come around. I sat behind Kevin on the ride and that's the first time it hit me what was happening. I cried on the ride. I was scared. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.
When we got to the front doors, we had our temperature taken and were each given a mask to wear. They didn't have my name on the list, so there was some confusion regarding that. Kevin had to go over to a separate area and remove his mask to get a photo taken so they could print his information on a paper sticker visitor badge. And then we were off to the elevators to ride up to the labor and delivery floor. On the way up, the elevator lurched and dropped a little. I almost peed my pants. We were scared we'd be trapped inside, but alas, it started moving again. We got to the floor and answered some Covid questions via speaker before the doors opened to let us into the labor wing. Then we had to be admitted, which involved me signing a ton of forms (which I read because you can't trust anyone these days, especially in such a weird time). I think the nurses and staff were frustrated at how long it took, but I wasn't signing anything I didn't read and I was starting to get salty about the whole ordeal. Finally we were ushered to our room and told we had to wear our masks the entire time. Umm, that was a big ole fat "no" for me. If I was going to be pushing a baby out, I was going to have to be able to breathe! The nurses secretly agreed without verbally saying anything. However, until I was tested for "the Corona", I had to wear my mask. (Kevin was supposed to wear his mask the entire time also, but at some point his came off too and he never put it back on. He was also never swabbed for the 'Rona.) 

First I was asked to undress and put on a gown. I needed to pee, so I asked if I could do that and they were thrilled to collect my urine for a protein test. I got in bed and the whole ordeal began to unfold. I don't remember the exact order of things, but you'll get the gist. It was around 9pm.

Nurses were geared up in scrubs with gloves, head coverings and masks on. But on top of that they had these thin transparent yellow gauzey gowns that covered everything and clear face shields (I refer to this getty-up as their hazmat suits). I'm glad the gowns were so thin...I know for a deadly virus, it was doing a lot of protecting! They had to wear that until I had a Corona swab (basically a q-tip a foot long swabbing my brain) that came back negative. So, in marched the "Corona team" in their hazmat suits to swab my brain. I guess, in retrospect, I could have refused to be tested, but the nurses were probably grateful I was so they could eventually remove their hazmat gear. I want to say there were three or more of them on the "Corona team", but there could have only been two. I took a deep breathe and they inserted that entirely too long q-tip up into my brain. It had to be there for 10 seconds. The longest 10 seconds I've ever counted. My eyes welled up, I felt like I had to sneeze. I also had that sensation you get when you dive down too deep in a pool and you get bubbles up in your nose, you need to get back to the top for air and you can't get there fast enough. To say it was horrible, well... The test came back negative and everyone removed their hazmat suits. There was joy in the room!
The midwife from WBWC came in at some point and laid out the plan for everything. I was getting magnesium to make sure I didn't have a stroke or seizure. Magnesium makes everything in your body relax (also the exact opposite of what you need your body to do to contract and push a baby out), so this made me a fall risk. I couldn't leave the bed. They were also going to start Pitocin to get contractions going and that would increase up to 20 by some point. (I didn't know what that meant and we exceeded 20, so I really have no idea?). I was going to have a foley bulb inserted to dilate me and potentially help my water break. And we were going to have a baby.
Next came IVs. I asked for a kid's "port" or whatever the piece that stays in your arm is, because I know my veins are small and in the past I've had to be poked a lot with no luck. Well, this go-round my nurse tried two spots and couldn't get it. Excruciating pain and Kevin was in the corner with his back to me while I pretended to have "normal" conversation for his sake, so he wouldn't pass out. When she couldn't get it, she called in backup and that nurse tried with no luck and then finally got it on the 4th try. Those dang things have caused me more pain in both of my labors than anything else. The bruises from that specific torture were still around 2 weeks after birth.

Bruises two weeks later

The magnesium was started in the port. It gave me a super warm sensation all over and made me flushed and was supposed to make me feel loopy, but I don't remember the loopy until the following morning/next day. I also had fluids.

At some point after that the anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself and have me sign 500 papers that detailed the drugs he would like to inject into me that I was denying. I don't think he gets a hard NO very often. Poor guy looked offended. He offered to come back. I think he had a glimmer of hope. I knew I wasn't going to see that sucker again.
The "child doctor" came in next. That's what I call this guy who couldn't have been a day over 16. He started his conversation with, "Can you tell me what preeclampsia is?" I wasn't aware that I was a contestant on a medical game show, and I was really VERY salty at this point, so I clapped back with something like "yeah, my blood pressure is high and you people think I'm going to stroke out or have a seizure, so here I am being hooked up with magnesium pumped into me to have a baby." Wrong lady, child doctor, wrong lady. He did some back-peddling and explained to me exactly why things were going the way they were and told me I could opt out of the magnesium if I wanted to. REALLY?!? because it had already started and everyone was super sure I was about to die without it.
Then "Big Hands", that's what I now called the WBWC midwife, came in to strip my membranes and/or insert the foley bulb. These might have happened at the same time or it could have been two separate occurrences. All I know is "Big Hands" had REALLY big hands. And when she inserted them in my vagina, it felt like she was pushing her big hands all the way through me into the bed behind me. Kevin had to look away again. I was contracting and flexing my muscles and almost fighting against her because it was painful. She ended up having to use 3 different alligator clamps (also known in the medical field as a speculum) to insert the foley bulb, which was placed at 11pm. She commented that she couldn't get something out of the way or get around something or something. I wasn't really caring what was in the way, but Big Hands needed to get this mandatory bulb in me and leave my presence A sap! The bloody alligator clamps remained in the room sink until after the baby was born and this was neither pleasant to look at or sanitary (in my opinion)!
Pitocin was started after the foley bulb was in and labor artificially started. There was finally a bit of a break with people coming in and out of the room and we were asked if we wanted to be part of a COVID-19 study. They would take blood from me and from the baby just after birth and do something with it. At first it sounded okay, but then I just decided I had had enough at that point. I wasn't even supposed to be in the hospital and I wasn't okay with my minutes-old child being used as a science experiment. Luckily, the nurse was super understanding and said that was totally fine, she would just tell that team not to come in the room.
We "rested" from around 11:30pm-2am. When I did have my eyes open, it was nice to look out the windows at the dark night sky and see lights (of a parking garage or something else) in the distance. (I'll also note that blood pressure meds were ordered for me, but my blood pressure was in the normal range the ENTIRE time I was laboring...so was this really preeclampsia?!?) I was having contractions, but was trying to sleep through them. I wasn't supposed to leave the bed for anything, because you know, fall, hit head, die. But I refused a catheter. I'd had one for a procedure years ago and it hurt more than anything that's ever happened to me in my life and I can tolerate pain pretty well. That wish was honored as long as I had two people supporting me to go to the bathroom, and as long as I continued to void on my own. So, I went multiple times throughout the night. Once on my own with just Kevin-and I was reprimanded! Oops!

Midnight

1AM

2AM

The Pitocin continued to increase, the magnesium was coursing through my body. The contractions were coming on nice and heavy. The monitors for the baby on my belly were uncomfortable and pressing into me. The blood pressure cuff was tightening up every 15 minutes. There was really no way to rest as people continued to come in and out of the room. The foley bulb came out just after 2am.
All of the nurses had these walkie-talkie devices hanging around their necks or clipped to their scrubs. They acted like hands free phones. So an incoming call would say, "Call for Marissa, do you accept." and the nurse would say "yes" and then they could talk to the caller. Sometime after the foley blub came out, or maybe it was after my water broke, Big Hands called my nurse and said something along the lines of, "Just checking in and wanted to see if Victoria needs me for any reason." The nurse relayed what was happening while I stayed silent, because it was her call. But in my mind I was saying, 'where are you and what the F are you doing? Taking a nap? I'm in labor and you're the midwife assigned to me. Of course I need your assistance. You're supposed to be delivering a baby!' When my nurse got off the phone she asked me if I wanted the midwife and I said, "Yes.". HAHA! Much more simple than the outrage in my head!
3:10am: Pitocin at 14, 3cm dilated

3:12am: Pitocin at 16
My chart says at 4:45am I SROM'd (Spontaneous Rupture of Membranes) for clear fluid and quickly became more uncomfortable. Basically, my water broke. But by this point, contractions were heavy enough that I couldn't even pretend to sleep through them. I was up and down to the toilet frequently and very uncomfortable. Pitocin was at 22.
The nurse, bless her sweet heart, "conveniently" had to change my sheets at one point, which allowed me to get out of bed and labor standing up. Another time she found some sort of cushion-y thing and took off my sheets to put it underneath so I could have a softer "experience". This let me stand up and make hip circles, sway, etc. while holding onto Kevin...which was "not allowed". So much better than being uncomfortable in a bed and longing for the tub.
I said out-loud so many times, "I want to get in the tub." "Why can't I get in the tub." "Why would anyone choose to be laying in bed laboring?" "Can I get in the tub?" All of the discomfort would have been fixed if I could have labored in the water and I was so upset that I couldn't. Again, a fall risk...but if I'm sitting down, is it considered a fall? At one point, Big Hands was in the room and I made some comment about how I longed for the sweet, sweet waters of the bathtub. Instead of sympathetically agreeing that this was a bad situation and not my birth plan and she was sorry I couldn't labor in the tub, she decided to inform me of the reasons why I couldn't get in the tub...namely because I was hooked up to magnesium and my blood pressure was a concern. Very clinical. No bedside manner, no understanding of my displeasure with this horrible plight. I had been fairly quiet up until this point, but I snapped back, "It was a rhetorical question." I might have said more. I might have ended with "lady." But the message was clear. I understand it, I'm just not pleased with it and if you could humor me and play nice, that would be peachy. Kevin will note that this made everything really awkward in the room. If you know me, you know that I don't (and didn't) care.
At one point I was asked a question and I couldn't answer it. I even responded in some capacity saying, "I don't know" or "I can't decide". I just remember the nurse saying "It's so good that you can't make up your mind, it means you're in active labor." What a positive thing to hear! She was such a calming presence and gave me encouraging words throughout labor which was WAY more than Big Hands ever did. God Bless Labor and Delivery Nurses!
Around this time I was getting back into bed from the bathroom. I was so uncomfortable. The fetal monitors on my stomach were pressing into me and I was feeling agitated and trapped. I mentioned that to someone, but before they could change things about them, I ripped them off. This did not make Big Hands happy. When I got back in bed, it was 5:21am. I got on my knees and was grabbing the top of the raised bed, hugging the head of the bed for support and resting my head on the top of the bed looking towards the wall (but with my eyes closed).

I was very uncomfortable and I remember thinking 'I haven't felt the urge to push yet and this is pretty painful...it's going to be a long labor if I'm not even feeling like pushing yet.' The nurse said something reassuring to me. I now can't remember what it was and that kills me because she was the person in the room that with her one encouraging statement allowed me to continue on. It was something simple like "you're doing great." and it was EVERYTHING! And I was also thinking if the pain continued, I might have to call in the anesthesiologist-I was starting to feel defeat. But I'm also so stubborn and wanted it my way. If I could get to the pushing stage, I knew I'd be fine, but it didn't seem like that was going to come anytime soon. I was silently pleading with God. 'Lord, give me endurance. Give me strength. Help me do this.' And just then, out of nowhere, I felt the urge to push. It was 5:34am and my medical records say I was "spontaneously bearing down". I remember Big Hands saying something about the head being there, but there being something in the way. I think she asked me to push as she helped move something inside of my body out of the way. I was completely dilated with the baby's head at +2 at 5:36am and in a push and a half, baby B2 was born. Seriously! I did my spontaneous push and the push to get the "thing" out of the way and baby was here!
The sweet nurse exclaimed, "Oh Boy!" and I just knew it was a boy. I said, "What? It's a boy??", and she said, "Oh, I don't know, I was just excited." None of the night nurses thought a lady coming in to be induced at 9pm would have a baby before shift change at 7am. I managed to flip around in bed into a sitting position as baby was completely delivered and we learned it was a baby girl! She came into the world with an arm straight up in the air...GIRL POWER...and caused a 2nd degree tear. As she was put on my chest, I was instructed to give a small push to deliver the placenta and attempted breastfeeding right away.

Hormones were coursing through my body. I had the shakes and I was so cold. The nurse brought in warm blankets, but I remember saying aloud to myself, "I'm on a warm beach, I'm on a warm beach." I was trying to imagine the warmth so my body would relax and not tense up. Little girl was also cold and was grunting.  She came so fast, there wasn't time for the fluid in her lungs to get pressed out.  So the NICU team had to be called in to evaluate her and put her under some heat lamps to warm up. In no-time she was okay (although the grunting continued for weeks) and I was getting stitched up. I tell you what, shots of lidocaine in your lady parts is almost the worst part of the whole ordeal, so I happily got stitched up with some areas not numb because the shot hurt more than just feeling the needle.

We had time to cuddle and attempt breastfeeding and then the sun was coming up and I was so, so tired! 

I don't remember many details after that. I slept as much as possible. I was a zombie from the magnesium that I had to stay on for at least another 24 hours. Pitocin was cranked up to 250 to prevent postpartum hemorrhaging (a risk with preeclampsia). And sweet baby, now named Elizabeth Violet, was drowsy from getting the magnesium in the womb as well!

I was starving!! and that's when we learned I couldn't eat anything solid for the next 24 hours. (Yes, they do try to kill you when you go to the hospital!) Apparently when on magnesium, you can't have solids. However, I was exhausted after giving birth and so hungry and needed those calories to help my milk come in. It was a ridiculous rule, in my opinion. And the nurses agreed to an extent! They allowed jello and broth and popsicles and even sneaked me some chicken noodle soup with a few noodles. Bless them! Because my chart said no solids, Kevin couldn't even order food. The nurses had to change my chart to allow him to order food to the room so we wouldn't be charged for a separate non-patient meal. Ridiculous!
Over in the afternoon, I got up for one of many trips to the bathroom and got really hot and just knew I was going to pass out and/or vomit. I told the nurse and she got me back in bed and flat so fast, I felt like I flew there. She had ice packs on me and got me to a "normal" state so fast, but at that point, I was still so loopy from the magnesium and didn't want to experience that sick/passing out feeling again...so I just wanted to sleep and not move. However, I couldn't even get comfortable before we were asked to pack up to move to the antepartum floor. That's short for "you had a baby, but there's still something wrong with you." And our hospital saga was not over...