I just re-read my last post on memorizing motherhood and man, I remember that day so vividly and WOW, there have been so, so, so many hard days since then. I found myself crying again because even on the bad days, I love my littles so, so very much! Yes, little(S). We have a new little one, so I need to go back and fill you in on my pregnancy.
I absolutely LOVED being pregnant with Coralie. Other than horrible heartburn (that gave her a full head of hair) and some swollen ankles in the last month or so, I can't remember too much difficulty with pregnancy. I did randomly pass out twice in bed, but..well, that wasn't that big of a deal. Ha! This go-round, I was ready for the same. We found out I was expecting in late September 2019 and just about 5 weeks in morning sickness started. I had the same amount of morning sickness this time and the only thing that made it harder was I had to feed a hungry toddler, so I couldn't just ignore food if I "wasn't feeling it". I had to face the smells every. single. day. I vividly remember having to leave the room many times when Coralie was eating and just crying because it made me feel so sick, but then crying harder knowing I had to go back in just in case she choked. This was all made MUCH harder by Kevin's travel schedule. I think there was a period of two weeks where he wasn't home and I was exhausted and nauseous and chasing a very determined toddler around wiped me out! I remember many mornings where I just camped out in the driveway in a chair and watched her play while I chewed on rice cakes and drank lemon S. Pellegrino (which I now can't drink because it makes me feel ick).
The only thing that made anything better was Wendy's baked potatoes. I couldn't stand to think about food, but when I got a craving for one, it was a serious matter and it was delicious! I also really enjoyed a Bruegger's Bagels Better Bacon Cheddar breakfast sandwich and could stomach them as well as anything, so they were a "go-to" for awhile. And there were days I needed a Zaxby's kiddie fingerz meal with fries or else! Speaking of cravings...with Coralie I wanted sweet tea. I'd buy a large one from Bojangles on a Monday and leave it in the fridge all week taking tiny swigs throughout the day because I wanted it so, so badly, but I didn't want the caffeine. This time, I also had a sweet tooth after morning sickness passed, but, I wanted ice cream in the evenings and mini blueberry crullers with my coffee for a mid-morning snack and gummy bears ALL THE TIME! Trader Joe's Scandinavian Swimmers were life!
In November, Kevin had a work trip to Arizona and we tagged along to see some friends that live out there and so I wouldn't be alone at home AGAIN. On the flight out, I got a horrible headache that made me sick on my stomach. At points during the day I thought I was going to pass out it hurt so much. Nothing really made it better, but it would stop hurting and give me relief and then come on with a vengeance again. I would get flushed and have chills and felt awful! It was all I could do to get us all through the airport to a rental car and then I rode with my eyes closed the 2 hour drive up to our friends house because my head was throbbing. It was touch and go that evening feeling like I was going to get sick, but I went to bed early and woke up feeling fine.
The rest of the trip was great. I had no additional symptoms, so I chalked it up to a mild bug. It wasn't until we got on the plane back home that I had any other symptoms. The entire trip was fine until we landed at RDU and then as we were taxing to the gate, all of a sudden I got really clammy and told Kevin I was about to get sick. The next thing I knew, I was vomiting in a bag he miraculously got positioned in front of me and I was down for the count for the rest of the day and the next. It was all I could do to walk off the plane and wait on a bench for him to drive around and pick me up. (I'll also note for my own purposes that earlier in this flight was the last time I nursed Coralie. We were down to just before nap each day and just 2 weeks shy of nursing her for 2 years...a huge accomplishment for both of us! I wish I had better memories of our "last time".) This time I didn't feel well the day after, but in no time, I was back to normal. Was it altitude? Lack of sleep with waking up early to catch flights? Not having my normal *small* amount of caffeine? These "episodes" happened again in December when we traveled to Vermont. I was fine on the way up, but Coralie got really sick on that flight...so maybe I held it together for her sake?!?
But on the way home, I felt bad and only felt better after a long night of rest. Again, later in December we traveled down to Key West for Christmas and it happened on the way back from Key West. Except this time I started vomiting before we even left the hotel to get to the airport. I had a splitting headache that made me sick. It took every ounce of grit in me to get home. I really thought I was going to die in the Atlanta airport. I walked off the plane from Key West and only made it to the next gate before telling Kevin I couldn't do it. I sat down, thought I was going to pass out and proceeded to vomit. He had to get a wheelchair and I think I held Coralie in my lap while he very swiftly pushed us and all of our luggage to the next gate. The constant movement was horrendous. The bumpy floor in a moving seat that you couldn't control was beyond torture and I really just wanted to end it all right there. The tram was a nightmare...I was vomiting along the way... We finally made it to our gate and I laid out on the airport floor (something only a desperate, sick person, clinging to life would do) and slept until we had to board the plane. After a good rest at home, again, I was back to normal and since we didn't travel anymore, this phase of pregnancy ended. By the end I chalked it up to anxiety and stress about traveling (and potentially getting sick) and lack of sleep, but who knows what was really going on. (Maybe a clue for things to come?)
On top of all of this, we had dear friends that were about 10 weeks ahead of me in their pregnancy. In early October they went in for their anatomy ultrasound and were blind-sighted and devastated to learn that their sweet girl didn't have a heartbeat. This wrecked me. Like, completely tore me up. We hadn't yet announced that we were pregnant and the sadness we walked through with them and the fear of loosing our own little one did a serious number on me. With Coralie I said early on, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." and it was my mantra. I felt prepared to face whatever might come because I knew miscarriages happen and there are difficulties in pregnancy and I knew that whatever happened, God had my best interests in mind even if I didn't understand. But see, everything was fine. I was comforted and didn't have to stress and worry, but I also didn't have the reality of a loss. This time, I couldn't even say, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away." because this sweet baby was no longer here and the reality was it could happen to us too. I was so fearful that I didn't even accept that we were pregnant for a REALLY long time. And it took even longer to be joyful about it. In fact, I don't know that I ever embraced being excited about my pregnancy because the fear of loosing it hung over my(our) head the entire time. Our friends were so gracious. In the midst of their pain, they were truly happy for us. And that broke me too! Every week at church I would cry endlessly through the music. One song in-particular still makes me well up-Yes I Will-Vertical Worship. Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley; Yes I will, bless Your name; Yes I will sing for joy when my heart is heavy; For all my days, oh yes I will. Ugh. Our people were going through the unimaginable and they were singing these same words and choosing to believe them when they were breaking inside. It was just too much. The same week they lost their babe, my Great Aunt Mildred passed away. The grief was unavoidable.
We didn't even share with our families that we were pregnant until almost 15 weeks. Even that was hard! We wanted to share with Kevin's mom and dad at the same time and they were both here for Coralie's birthday party in December, but both of their spouses weren't, so we were delaying. And then Kevin's mom guessed it and started questioning him about it. Which caused us to tell everyone, but it wasn't how we wanted to tell and everything just felt really wrong with the whole thing. It was disappointing.
Excited or not, fearful or not, sick or not, my belly got bigger and it got harder and harder to carry a toddler up and down the stairs. I was uncomfortable sitting and laying down, but fine standing. Except standing all day was tiring also! I had to be adjusted regularly to manage the slight uncomfortable pain. I was also having body work done again to make room for a growing baby. These appointments were some of the few moments I had for just me. Coralie was going to preschool two days a week which allowed me to "nest" a little and FINALLY unpack some boxes and move into a house we've lived in since December 2018. (We have had SERIOUS house issues, but that's another story for another time.) Things were grooving and then in mid-February my anxiety got the best of me again. My sister had been sick with a fever for about 12 days and eventually went to the hospital where they ran a myriad of tests to try and figure out what was wrong with her. The "flu" just wouldn't go away. Well, it turned out that she had Cytomegalovirus-CMV. A virus that many babies/kids have and can pass on to adults. It shows up differently in everyone. It can be as serious as her condition or so mild, you don't even know you're sick. Because she was sick, I had agreed to take her little girl for up to a week until she got better. Well, Kevin came home on Valentine's Day from traveling for an extended period of time and he was sick. Coralie and I were feeling just a little bit down, so I had to back out of our arrangement. I didn't want to get her little one sick. Around that same time my sister got the CMV diagnosis. She and my mom had been saying Cytomegalovirus, so I didn't put two and two together. My friend who lost her baby had contracted CMV (I only knew it as that) while pregnant and that's what terminated her pregnancy. In turn, I got tested (in November) to see if I had ever been exposed...because by our age "everyone has been exposed to CMV." Well my friend hadn't and it turned out from my own blood tests that I didn't have the antibodies either, so I had never been exposed. My fears skyrocketed in February, but I honestly think it was a God thing (I call them "God Winks") that Kevin came home from his work trip sick. I could have easily gotten CMV from my niece, which is likely how my sister got it. When Coronavirus came on the scene, I wasn't a bit concerned. I didn't have time to worry about that, I had to worry about not getting CMV. This meant from about mid-February on, I didn't see my sister or my mom. I was "quarantining" before it was a thing.
And the stay at home orders for Coronavirus were, in part, a blessing for our family. It took Kevin off the road, so he was able to help more at home when I could no longer bend over the tub to bathe Coralie. He could help during the numerous meltdowns that happened each day, which completely wore me out. We were able to go for walks around the neighborhood at night and spend some time together before our new nugget arrived. Something we hadn't been able to do since well before Coralie was here. I know it's hard for him to work at home when Coralie wants to be with her daddy all day, but he has gotten to spend so much time with her and see so much of her life during this time that he would have missed otherwise. Especially for the 7 weeks she was home when her preschool was closed.
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| Daddy's home! |
Also in February, I took a nap one Sunday afternoon and woke up with extreme tooth pain. I may have been grinding my teeth, but there was no other significant event to cause the pain. It was so excruciating that I couldn't comfortably drink liquids for days. Hot was painful. Cold was even more painful. Even room temperature water hurt. In order to take my prenatal vitamins at night, I had to drink out of a straw and basically force the water down my throat, not letting it touch any of my teeth. If it did, there was a throbbing pain so intense, I had to sit with my eyes closed for up to a minute and allow it to pass before I could function. Many times I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. It was seriously THE WORST! I went to the dentist after a few weeks and they couldn't find anything wrong, but the biting I had to do there to find which tooth it was set me back pain-wise for another two weeks. It did get better, but was still causing me pain weeks after the baby was born. It was most likely the ligaments in my mouth that stretched out with pregnancy and was as if I had a very sore bruise under and around the tooth. Just another "uncomfortable" thing.
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| Pausing during weekly belly shots because my tooth hurt so bad from smiling. |
Unfortunately, after Coralie was born, Baby + Co., where I birthed her, closed. This left a huge void. I wanted to birth at a birthing center again and the only option was Women's Birth and Wellness in Chapel Hill. We went in for an info session/visit in early October (the day after my dear friend had to deliver her stillborn baby) and I was immediately turned off. The presenter, who was a midwife, was great, but there were a few digs about Baby + Co. that just didn't sit well with me. We had such an AMAZING experience at Baby + Co. and hearing that was like criticizing family. Without any other birth center options, we stuck it out, but each visit I repeated my disappointment for the place. It just didn't "feel right" and there's no other way to put it. It was truly a "gut" thing. On my first visit, after learning about my 3rd or 4th degree tear with Coralie, it was suggested that I just go ahead and book a C-section for this birth. That turned me off so much! A tear that bad a second time can lead to other complications with my bowels, but obviously we were seeking out a birth center for a reason...a C-section was not an option for me. Visit after visit my disdain weighed heavier. By the time Coronavirus was a "thing" and telehealth appointments were a regular occurrence, I was beyond thrilled. I didn't have to drive the almost hour to get to WBWC just to feel "blah" about the whole ordeal.
There were some sweet moments too! Coralie got to participate in finding the "heart beep" and using the doppler on my belly as well as measuring my belly. Some of the midwives were super nice and Coralie was always really excited to tag along to appointments.
Other memories: Mid October Kevin was gone and I was so sick with morning sickness and grieving our friends' loss and dealing with never-ending days with Coralie...we were sitting at her "colors table" and I saw on a news highlight on my phone that a cousin of mine had been shot and killed. I was just beside myself. I remember just crying and crying. But the thing that stands out is me loading up Coralie to go to Moe's for dinner that night (the only thing I could stomach that day). The whole thing was a disaster. I cried into my food and she didn't eat much of hers, but she desperately wanted her "drink". I had filled up the kid's cup with water and she was more into that than her sippy cup. I just remember her refusing to get in the carseat and me loosing my temper. There were little birds in the parking spot beside us nipping up crumbs. She was upset that I wouldn't give her a colorful cup with a red lid filled with the same liquid her "normal" cup contained and I was upset about lives lost while trying to be grateful for the life inside me that was causing such nausea. And yet both produced the same tears. #memorizingmotherhood 
And then there was the silliness of me ordering maternity StitchFix boxes for outfits for Easter and Charleston and maternity pictures. Clothes that I shouldn't have purchased and we really didn't have the money for, that were worn once and packed away. I wanted a nice dress for Easter. Easter that we spent at home in "quarantine" because churches were closed and we had nowhere to go. And a comfortable dress that I was pumped to wear for a babymoon that we were planning in Charleston. It would have been a long weekend away. The first time I would have ever been away from Coralie for a night (in 2.5 years), but something we planned to do before the new munchkin arrived. A trip that was cancelled because the whole world stopped for a virus.
All-in-all, I can't complain too much about the pregnancy. I still enjoyed being pregnant although it was made much harder and I was more tired and uncomfortable with another little one to keep up with. The emotional toll was hard, but we made it. They say every pregnancy is different. Every delivery is too...
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